pains of growing up/old
When i was young, I wanted to grow up quick, so that I could earn money and buy things I wanted. Actually i never really wanted to grow old, lest for that money part. Now that I am finally earning my own keep, there are tons of other stuffs that come with this financial ability. And I am not talking about the $ I have to give to God, to my parents. There are tons more troubling issues than that.
Physically, I am slowly aging, and I can feel it. Turning 24 this year seem to be a major turning point in my life. Its like the make-or-break age for me. My body takes longer to recover from illnesses, and recently there is a lump in my neck, and a constant chest pain/constriction. I just discovered a red spot in my eye few weeks back, which eventually went away to become a mass of blood vessels. I noticed my skin getting drier, especially at my legs area. And I get bloated/put on weight more easily. This is just but only the physical parts of my body.
Socially, I found myself noticing/observing myself more often, the way I come across to people, the way people see others. I notice especially the way people important to me/people whom I respect. And what/who they respect. I find myself comparing to others alot, and for no reason actually. I realise how much I wanted to prove myself, to prove my mettle and my worth. I know how this contradicts with the Bible’s teachings – the more you humble yourself, the more you will be exalted. I am constantly reminding and rebuking myself for that, and I try to suppress this inner longing of mine.
Spiritually, growing up made me see how God is such a good good God. He’s seriously the best, and He knows whats best for us right from the start. We all have choices, to accept Him into our lives to make a difference, or to reject him and live in bewilderment all our lives. Growing up made me reflect, and reflection made me see actually, He knows what I am like, what I should deserve. I gotta say this – His thoughts are higher than my thoughts, His ways are higher than my own ways. Sometimes, when you are at that point of desperation/point of choice, you don’t know why God let something happen to you, or why arent you seeing a change, or why you are not getting what you want. Growing up made me realise.. God gives us the best, and nothing but the best. I say this with a heavy heart, because I know I should have obeyed and trusted God right from the start, but I didn’t. I chose my own way, I chose this route, I chose everything.
Emotionally, I think I kinda grew up from the old me. Many people, especially my boyfriend, have reminded me that we should control our feelings, our emotions. I was really a nervous wreck, a huge timebomb who would throw tantrums when I am not happy with myself/people. And then, I chanced upon Joyce Meyers’ sermon the other week, and it was absolutely great. She shared how she used to be this ticking timebomb, going off anytime infront of her loved ones. I thought I could kind of reconcile with that, cos I am so used to going off at my mom and Dan especially.
Ps Joyce said – A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls. -Proverbs 25:28
A person without self-control is totally reckless, emotional, acts impulsively, acts without thinking. And in the end, he/she wreaks havoc on herself/her life etc. That set me thinking – should I be like that forever? I thought, and thought and I promised to change my temper this year. I have never been so clear on myself, my temperament, my temper. This year, I can finally see it.
I can finally see things so much clearer, but I don’t know if it will be too late now..?
Its already the start of a brand new week, and we’re on to the second last week of February! 2 months into the new year, and what have I achieved already?
