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February 28, 2012
pains of growing up/old
When i was young, I wanted to grow up quick, so that I could earn money and buy things I wanted. Actually i never really wanted to grow old, lest for that money part. Now that I am finally earning my own keep, there are tons of other stuffs that come with this financial ability. And I am not talking about the $ I have to give to God, to my parents. There are tons more troubling issues than that.
Physically, I am slowly aging, and I can feel it. Turning 24 this year seem to be a major turning point in my life. Its like the make-or-break age for me. My body takes longer to recover from illnesses, and recently there is a lump in my neck, and a constant chest pain/constriction. I just discovered a red spot in my eye few weeks back, which eventually went away to become a mass of blood vessels. I noticed my skin getting drier, especially at my legs area. And I get bloated/put on weight more easily. This is just but only the physical parts of my body.
Socially, I found myself noticing/observing myself more often, the way I come across to people, the way people see others. I notice especially the way people important to me/people whom I respect. And what/who they respect. I find myself comparing to others alot, and for no reason actually. I realise how much I wanted to prove myself, to prove my mettle and my worth. I know how this contradicts with the Bible’s teachings – the more you humble yourself, the more you will be exalted. I am constantly reminding and rebuking myself for that, and I try to suppress this inner longing of mine.
Spiritually, growing up made me see how God is such a good good God. He’s seriously the best, and He knows whats best for us right from the start. We all have choices, to accept Him into our lives to make a difference, or to reject him and live in bewilderment all our lives. Growing up made me reflect, and reflection made me see actually, He knows what I am like, what I should deserve. I gotta say this – His thoughts are higher than my thoughts, His ways are higher than my own ways. Sometimes, when you are at that point of desperation/point of choice, you don’t know why God let something happen to you, or why arent you seeing a change, or why you are not getting what you want. Growing up made me realise.. God gives us the best, and nothing but the best. I say this with a heavy heart, because I know I should have obeyed and trusted God right from the start, but I didn’t. I chose my own way, I chose this route, I chose everything.
Emotionally, I think I kinda grew up from the old me. Many people, especially my boyfriend, have reminded me that we should control our feelings, our emotions. I was really a nervous wreck, a huge timebomb who would throw tantrums when I am not happy with myself/people. And then, I chanced upon Joyce Meyers’ sermon the other week, and it was absolutely great. She shared how she used to be this ticking timebomb, going off anytime infront of her loved ones. I thought I could kind of reconcile with that, cos I am so used to going off at my mom and Dan especially.
Ps Joyce said – A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls. -Proverbs 25:28
A person without self-control is totally reckless, emotional, acts impulsively, acts without thinking. And in the end, he/she wreaks havoc on herself/her life etc. That set me thinking – should I be like that forever? I thought, and thought and I promised to change my temper this year. I have never been so clear on myself, my temperament, my temper. This year, I can finally see it.
I can finally see things so much clearer, but I don’t know if it will be too late now..?
February 24, 2012
in the office
i wonder who reads my blog sometimes. i was hesitating whether to post here, or in my old blogspot. decided i will post here instead anyways. this post ain’t gonna be too personal, personal posts are all private or locked.
its officially the weekend already, the week has flew past just like that, and my pay is in! woopee! time to get all my cosmetics and clothes tomorrow. going for a good run later cos i had mcdees in the afternoon – result of limited food choices, no lunch kakis and alone time. i had alot to post actually, but kinda procrastinated and forgot about it.
so this week, i have made an uber long wish list of things im getting. among those, cosmetics, skincare, clothes, bags, shoes etc. there are so many things i have, no i need to buy. its getting really crazy on my pockets, aimed to only spend $500 this month, but looks like its gonna get busted soon. argh, i just can’t save!
February 20, 2012
ramblings, weekend and peace
I swear the weekend passes damn damn fast! 
Its already the start of a brand new week, and we’re on to the second last week of February! 2 months into the new year, and what have I achieved already?
Got loads of cosmetics at the warehouse on Friday after work, really enjoyed the girly talks we had about makeup + skincare, bitching about work, about guys haha. I didn’t know army guys can be ang-moh too. But well, everything has a first isnt it!
Bf came out on Saturday, and we almost almost got into a quarrel coz I didn’t keep to my time, had to fetch bro to tuition, and sorta gave him the cold shoulder and stuffs, but all was ok and we just went to his house to chill after that. And almost got into a second quarrel on our way to church. It was 4.30 already, and I was hurrying him and he was all panicky and angsty as a result. My bad. So we went to church, and as usual C gave me, or us, the weird stares, avoided looking at us, and when we were taking photographs it was really.. She just gave me a cold reply, asked me to get back to where she was directing. Like what? This is not your work place you know! Seriously I wonder how people can stand the bossy attitude she has. But had a talk with H on Sunday, and my misgivings were gone with the wind. I just gotta understand that she has a character like that – direct, non-negotiable, and straightforward. My bf advised me to be strong, and not submit to her actions, ok that will be what I shall do.
Been thinking about my career options for a long time over the weekend. Words from wise people kept refreshing in my brains, especially the pastors’ words. One thing that really stuck with me was – Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. AMEN to that! I read somewhere that, if you know you were created from Him and FOR Him, you would live your life differently. You would submit your lives to Him, cos you know He has a plan already made out for you. The path that you would take, your destiny – its all already destined for you. I know my loving God wouldn’t want to see me down and out, I just gotta wait and be patient for His plan in my life.
Bf got me a Tiff & Co necklace yesterday! It was so awesomely pretty, with the little key! I rejected his gift of a Prada wallet though, cos I felt that it was unnecessary for me to get a new wallet when my C&K wallet was still working. Have I grown up or what! 
My plan in 2012 is to be:
1. a good servant of the Lord
2. a good daughter, a good sister
3. a good lover
4. a good friend
May the Holy Spirit fill me up everyday in abundance, so that I may live my life differently!
January 17, 2012
family love
its a dry and lonely afternoon in the office. i was looking through FB, and happened to come across this profile of a fellow churchie who just got married on 1st jan. i saw their wedding pictures, and i was touched. the love they exuded was natural, relaxed and at one with each other. their poses were cute, they were young and everything was beautiful. their parents sat together at the wedding reception, and it was all in all, a great and beautiful wedding. i admire them, and i envy them. the sisters were close to one another, and i even went to the extent of stalking them on FB, to know that they were so close to each other. i yearn for that kind of sister-ship, its something that i have never had, and maybe would never have.
everything was so beautiful when i looked at the pictures. it could have been to the photographer’s credit, he was a good photographer. but to have such good photos, you gotta have good subjects to focus on. the couple was beautiful, the wedding dress was beautiful – no big pompoms or mermaid or what not, just a simple lace-bareback dress with very simple veil and things like that. totally made me eat my words when i said that weddings have to be gigantic. no, it was a simple dress, and all that mattered was the love between them. fully and totally agree. guess i have to start planning my wedding dress soon? haha, no im all but just 24 this year.
God’s plan for us is always beautiful, and although I cant see it yet, I hope to see it one day. I hope to see my dad walking me down the aisle, passing me to him, and him giving the promise of taking care and loving me forever. such a beautiful moment, isnt it?
January 16, 2012
weekend
spent the weekend with him, ping and Li in Tanjung Pinang. Was a great trip, learnt alot, contributed alot, and I felt a tinge of weary during the trip. my period came on the first day, and i thought it was gonna be shitz pain, but thank God for his almighty protection and grace, it din’t hurt a single bit, except in the morning. THANK GOD for his amazing grace!
shared my testimonial in TP, hope it will encourage and stay in the mind of the folks there. Li gave me inspiration to share on my Shanghai trip in 2009, and i vividly remembered 2 incidents, and looking back I saw God’s protection in my life always, protecting me from harm. He’s always good, forever good, and he gives us the best. We can only see it years later, but at that time we’re so blinded. He’s really the best God ever, and I love him!
For all this effort that EL people has put into TP, i hope God recognize it and reward all of us accordingly. of course, we’re not there for the rewards! the kids were cute, and I really love all of them, however broken they are. pains me when one of the guys started crying during lesson time. how can i ever understand what they are going through huh? really wish God would bless this people of TP faithfully loving him every week. seen the hard work and efforts put in by Suharto, he really takes this servant job seriously, and even came to repair our aircon when it broke down like 12am+ at night on the first day! God bless him muchx.
next week’s CNY, love holidays like that. we are going visiting together on Chu 2, to ex-choir’s member house. gonna be loads of fun, and i can’t wait. boss’s on MC today, she sounded real hoarse, must have taken a wee bit too many CNY goodies.
outz. this week’s gonna be real busy as we count down to CNY. may the new year bring new blessings for all of us!
